Donny O'Malley Books

I was born accidentally in Queens, New York to Irish and Colombian Catholic immigrants. My strict Roman Catholic-altar-boy upbringing set me up for an unconventional life of deviance, discipline, sex, violence, parties, adventure, and service to others.It’s a weird combo, I know.After many years spent as a shy, timid, insecure, easily-bullied, nerd; I grew into the narcissistic, outgoing, overconfident, revengeful, violent, egotistical, lovable nerd that I am today.On paper, my life looks like an actors career, so with that notion I’ll summarize the phases of my life with short character bios.Catholic altar boy in New York city.Nerdy, horny, goofy kid in North Carolina.Nerdy, horny, goofy kid in San Diego.High School Football benchwarmer.High School Football 3 way-starter.Horny, scrappy, revengeful, high school rebel without a clue.Hyper college freshman at San Diego State with the worst acne you’ve ever seen.Twice voted, Sigma Nu Fraternity president, who was ultimately fired by higher powers.Volunteer High School Basketball Coach, with a losing record. (I loved those kids though)Superhero children’s birthday party host (I dressed up as Superman, Batman, Spiderman, good times).Camp Counselor who was slightly less mature than his kids.Inner City Substitute Teacher, who tried to do good but got burnt out by the little fuckers he was there to teach.Manager of Event Security for fraternities and sororities, who treated the job like a joke, and frequently got so drunk he had to be carried out by his team from the events he was managing.Male Stripper for bachelorette and birthday parties. (Owner/manager)Personal Trainer. (Great job, great clients)Marathoner, IronMan, and Xterra triathlete (Usually in last place)Event Planner (That’s me being humble. I rented out large venues and threw epic, raging parties for my friends that are still talked about)Marine Infantry Officer for almost 6 years, deployed to Asia and Afghanistan, awarded in combat with “V.” (That award was a total fluke)Medically Retired Marine Captain. (How I made Captain I have no idea, but being retired wasn’t surprising, I’m a big pussy)Model. (Body, not face, let’s be real here)World traveler (Does 20 countries rate world traveler status?)Orphanage Volunteer in East Africa. (I never thought I’d want to adopt a black baby from Africa, but after volunteering there, I do)Mountaineer and adventure sport chaser (I climbed Mt. Kilimanjaro, and I’m gonna get all 7 summits, want to join?)Grandma’s Boy (Yes, I take care of and live with my Grandma in a senior citizen community, I’m 31)I am proudly ashamed to say that I undo years of good deeds with one party. My parties have been responsible for more unwanted pregnancies, relationship breakups, divorces, arrests, broken noses, born-again-Christians, and lawsuits than Jerry Springer can fit into 3 seasons; and yet my friends and family can’t get enough of them.I believe that mean people need to be punched in the face, killing bad people is the same as saving good people, and that being nice to people is everyone’s duty. I encourage all nice people to beat up an asshole or a bully at least once in their life. It’s like chicken soup for the soul.I love sticking up for people with disabilities, victims of bullying, victims of domestic and sexual abuse, gay men who are afraid to come out (I have gay cousins and they hid for years) , obese and insecure women, and minorities who get discriminated. (I am half a spic and am frequently the victim of minority discrimination) I enjoy doing this because I know how good I felt when someone else stuck up for me back when I was a little pussy. (I’m still a pussy)I have reformed my old ways when it’s convenient for me, and I have now dedicated my life to taking care of my grandma, entertaining veterans, and writing funny stories about all the awesome, shameful, lustful, revengeful, violent, terrible, and wonderful thing